Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
