I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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