he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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