it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
