the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
