I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
