they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
