the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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