I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
