At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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