drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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