I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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