i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
