I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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