dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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