I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
