Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
