Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize