I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
