I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
