census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
