Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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