The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
