she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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