Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
