My hair reeks of homosexuality.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
