how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
