this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
