You can't motorboat a personality
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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