the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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