Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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