youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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