I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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