Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
