He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
