Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
