My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
