they need to just BURY HIM!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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