In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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