Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
