I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
