if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
