you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
