I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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