this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
