Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
