I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
