i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
