The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
