tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
