I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
