Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
