It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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