I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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