my sisters under your porch take her home
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Randomize
