Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
